XAVIER
Hello there, I'm Xavier, a 48 year old gay man living in the gay district of Chicago commonly refer to as "BoysTown". In 1957 I was born in the city
of Oak Park and shortly after moved to Hoffman Estates, both suburbs of Chicago. Growing up in the late 50's, the 60's and early 70's in the
burbs, I always knew from a very early time that I was different, but never could figure out why, what I felt inside just never quite jived with
everything around me. I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and pretty much lived in the church. I became a Christian at the age of 13 and
coincidentally began finding myself inextricably drawn to other boys. I never found girls particularly interesting, but other boys and men......well, I
just couldn't get them out of my mind. I had the normal early experiences of experimenting with other boys, but it just never stopped there. I felt a
great deal of shame and self loathing because of the societal pressures of that time. I dated, but never had a sexual encounter with a woman.
At age of 17, I left for school at Ouachita Baptist University in Arkansas. I thought if I left Chicago were so much temptation existed, I could leave
my same sex attractions behind. We'll, of course they followed right behind me and became more intense and as time progressed I had a series
of relationships with other men. Summers would come and go and I would spend my summers in torrid affairs with different men, but always with
the feelings of hatred toward myself increasing all of the time. I sought counseling at school and was instructed to date, find a woman, marry and
all of the thoughts and desires would go away. God they were so wrong.
I married my best friend in college and we started our lives together. I remember on our honeymoon having had sex with a woman for the first
time and knowing I had made an incredibly large error in my life, but I was not one to quit. I was going to see this through and be eventually free
from my same sex attraction.
After 7 years of marriage, I found myself in a relationship outside of my marriage with a man. The shame increased, but I couldn't help the
feelings I had for this man. I later ended up being outted by a member of my church I attended and confessed to my wife. I did this through the
assistance of a woman named Wanda Harris. She offered a service similar to Exodus International (reparative therapy) and I began a five year
endeavor to become straight. My wife stayed by my side through the whole thing. She was as patient as humanly possible. During the halfway
point of my conversion from Gay to straight I had a total breakdown and ended up in a Psychiatric Hospital. I had shut down and retreated deep
within myself. Prior to admission to the hospital I had purchased a handgun and under the guise of going to work for three days, I would sit with
the gun next to me in the car, I cried and contemplated killing myself. I was in a prison in my mind and had no way out. The conflict was great. If I
lied to the counselor during sessions and said I had no feelings for men then I was a good man and an acceptable person. If I told the truth and
said I had amorous thoughts involving men, then I was not working hard enough, was in sin and was unacceptable as a human being. There truly
was no way out but dying.
After release from the hospital, my depression stayed and I slowly spiraled over the next few years and ran on nothing but raw adrenaline. I
performed poorly at work, I had no future as I saw it and I gradually became nothing. My wife finally asked for a divorce and we separated. The
court battle that ensued was gut wrenching and she wanted me to have minimal contact with my children, Tyler and Sara. I was beyond
devastated. I began to drink to stop the pain. I couldn't handle the hurt I had inflicted on my wife. I couldn't bare not seeing my children.
Again I wanted to die.
I ended up moving back to Chicago and after years of therapy and new friends, I finally found my way back. I'm happy now. I'm deliriously happy
again and best of all, I reconnected with my children as adults. My son and I, who were not close after the divorce are now great friends. He even
calls me Dad. A word I thought I would never hear again. On top of that he married in 2005 and insisted that I attend his wedding. It was a blissful
high that I thought I would never experience. I loved it. My daughter and I are still moving slowly, but I take what I can get. I never expected even
seeing them again, so, anything is a blessing.
I began a few years ago to attend church again and found my way back to that part of my life. The balance is back. The joy is back. The future is
back. There are so many more adventures for me in my life. I think I'm ready once again. Hell, I think I will even start to date again??..I am
available!
I wrote this in order show that there is hope coming out of the ex-gay movement. That there is no shame being the person God made you. Know
you are not alone and that if you are not Gay and reading this, show that hope and love to someone you know that is struggling. That's all they
really want, that's all they really need. To be loved, valued for the person they are, and told that someone cares for them.
Grace and Peace to you all.
Xavier
EMAIL
